GRRRR!!!!

Alright, the last couple days have been crazy, and a little stressful. Which has been fine, except for my little sister decided that she was going to start a fight between us. Something she is good at.
It is always stupid things, she just knows how to get under my skin. She does it all the time, and she is really good at it. Today she started going off again, and so I finally told her to not text me, call me, or email me, unless it was important because I was done. That didn't stop her from sending two more text because she is mad at me now. I am done though.
I love my sister (she won't believe that no matter what I tell her). I just can't handle her telling me what I am doing wrong with my life, when she isn't happy with hers. She told me that I just settled with my life, I didn't just settle. I decided that because I didn't know what I wanted to be, I wasn't going to go to college, it seems stupid for me to pay to go to school when I don't know what I want. I married my best friend, he is someone I love, and someone that understands me, how is that settling. Maybe she is just mad because I have more of the things I wanted in life, then she has. I don't know. Sometimes she just gets to me, I shouldn't let her. She just knows how to do it so well.
GRRRR!!!!

Emotions

I am a emotional person. I feel things very deeply. It is both good and bad. Good because it makes it so I can understand how someone else is feeling. Bad because sometimes I get overly attached to things. A lot of times I think with my heart first, head second.
Sometimes this leads me to do things sometimes out of my comfort zone. Such as email someone I haven't seen, or talked to in years, simply to say thank you.
Another problem, is sometimes it makes it very easy to disconnect from reality.
Maybe one day I will be able to figure it all out.

Fairy Tales and the Truth about Happily Ever After. . .

A little over a year ago, a friend posted a link to a blog. http://www.violentacres.com/archives/313/marriage-is-a-series-of-peaks-and-valleys Although there is some risque language I enjoy her insight. I have also edited out several un-needed words.


Marriage is a Series of Peaks and Valleys
January 10th, 2008.
I went hiking today and on my way home, I decided to stop by a gas station and grab myself a bottle of diet pepsi. In the middle of the afternoon, during the week, is typically a very slow time for a gas station and today was no exception. When I walked in, the gas station attendant was apparently so aimless that she had time to get into a very involved conversation with the only other customer in the store.

The women were both very animatedly discussing marriage. The customer kept interrupting the attendant to insist that ‘she didn’t need to get married, she could be perfectly happy being alone for the rest of her life!’ in that way that people do when they’re trying to convince themselves more than they’re trying to convince you. Still, the attendant nodded enthusiastically in agreement.

After grabbing my diet, I stood behind them uncomfortably gnawing my bottom lip. A couple of times, I considered holding up my bottle and asking, “Hi! Do you mind if I just buy this and leave?” But, I refrained because I was raised to believe that interrupting is impolite.

Finally, the gas station attendant acknowledged me, although she had no interest in actually ringing up my purchase. Instead, she asked, “You’re not married, are you?”

“Well, yeah. I am,” I answered.

“You guys probably haven’t been together for long, though, right?”

“Well, um, almost 8 years now.”

Both the attendant and the customer crowed at me, awestruck, as if I just told them I was preparing to celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary or something. You know the institution of marriage is in trouble when anything over 2 years is considered impressive.

“Wow! People like you are a dying breed,” the customer said, “Not many people can get married nowadays and make it work!”

“Well,” I replied carefully, “A lot of people go into marriage with a lot of unrealistic expectations.”

“Ain’t that the truth!”
At that point, I plopped my diet pepsi on the counter, gave the attendant a very meaningful glance, and sighed in relief when she took the hint and rung me out. After all, I seriously have better things to do than discuss the ins and outs of my relationship in a gas station.

But the whole thing did get me thinking about the expectations people seem to have about marriage. From what I can gather, it seems as though people get married hoping for a fairytale. They envision a lifetime of being completely in sync with another person, where every situation is tackled zestfully and worked out with optimal results and no one ever feels the least bit lonely or taken for granted or unloved. Oftentimes, if you ask them, they’ll concede that people do change, but in their particular case, they are expecting to change together because they are best friends and soul mates and they intend to stay that way forever.

Two years later, when they’re filing for divorce, you’ll find them wondering where they went wrong. The easy is answer, there is no such thing as fairytales. A marriage is a series of peaks and valleys. Sometimes, you’ll be so in love with your partner that you can’t imagine life without them. Other times? No so much. He**, there will be moments in your marriage where you won’t even particularly like your spouse. People who say there’s no place for ambivalence in a marriage usually haven’t been married for very long.

Unfortunately, when plunged deep into the valley for the very first time, most couples panic and call the marriage counselor. If that doesn’t prove to be a quick fix, they find an attorney. After an expensive, bitter, hateful divorce, they go their separate ways destined to repeat the entire scenario with their next spouse.

No one ever tells them that the valleys are temporary. If they wait it out with good humor, they’ll likely peak again.

I don’t really know how men feel about the valleys in a marriage. However, I do know women tend to overreact intensely to any sign of dissatisfaction in the marital home. Women have an almost obsessive need to feel connected to their partner and even the slightest amount of distance instigates crying fits, martyrdom, temper tantrums, blame games and other overemotional displays of womanly angst. A man forgets one birthday or is less than enthused about a single outing and suddenly the love is gone and the relationship is dead. Unfortunately, jumping the gun or attempting to force a connection never helps. You can’t nag your way into a happy marriage.

I’m not a marriage expert. As I said earlier, I’ve only been married a shade under a decade myself. However, I’ve found that when my marriage hits a valley, a useful and effective thing to do is occupy my time somewhere else. I’ll take up a new hobby, get involved with another cause, or make a new friend. If I want to take up salsa dancing and my husband doesn’t, I don’t whine and cry that he never does anything I want to do or insist he doesn’t love me anymore. Instead, I’ll shrug my shoulders and go salsa dancing myself.

A long time ago, it occurred to me that we are two separate people who will likely grow and change over the years, but it’s not necessary for us to live the exact same lives. Sometimes, we’ve got to be willing to do our own thing. Our individual identities are our own and we’ve got to take some personal responsibility for our satisfaction in life instead of depending on each other to make us happy.

Besides, in doing our own thing, we often find more things to love about each other. No matter how long and tedious the valley may seem at the time, we always peak again.

----------

The reason that I decided to post this now is because I know what seems like a lot of people that either just got divorced, are in the processes of getting divorced, or they are thinking about getting divorced. I am one of the odd people that believe if there is a lot of animosity in a home, and it can not be fixed then divorce is an answer (especially if their are children). I am saddened by others who are getting divorced though.
Girls have forever read "Princess Stories", or as they get older read authors like Jane Austen, where at the end of the book everything works out. Then all the movies that we all watch that portray by the end of the movie everything is perfect and they all live "Happily Ever After". Here is the problem with "Happily Ever After", life doesn't work that way. Even if you do find true love, or your soul mate, or just that one person, you still have to work. Also most girls start planning their wedding long before they actually meet someone they would consider marrying. It is fun to dream, and fun to think about the small stuff.
Kraig and I have something that the rest of the world does not. Almost nine years into marriage, we often still act like newly weds. This maybe partly because we don't have kids yet, but I don't really think that is the big reason why. Kraig and I have a different story. When we met we didn't become instant best friends, that took a little work, and a lot of trust. We never became girlfriend/boyfriend before we were married, we had hung out. By the time we decided to get married Kraig was my best friend. He still is, he is the one that no matter what I tell everything to. Here's the thing though, we have issues. We work through them. There are only a handful of things that I think we would not be able to work out, I pray that we will never have to deal with those things.
Everyday takes work, and every day we have to take steps together, otherwise we end up walking apart.
I do also need to throw out there, that I don't understand why some people get married when they know the person that they are marrying is not in love with them. There a people that seem to settle when they get married. Why? If you know some one does not love you, why would you just settle for that?
I still want to believe in true love, I still want to believe that there is a kind of love that can out last time, and space. Something so real that it is almost tangible.
I can not judge other people, or their marriages. I only have the insight of mine. I can not say that what works for Kraig and I will work for anybody else. I can not say who should and should not get married, or divorced. I can only say "Happily Ever After" does not work the way always want it to.

Friends

You know when you move, and you have to say good-bye to all your friends? Pretty much everyone has done it. With the wonders of the internet keeping in touch is so easy now, through email, blogs, facebook, myspace, and other social websites. Which I love, and I am so grateful for.
However, sometimes it makes me miss them more. My friends are out having fun, and doing things together while I am so far away. It makes me a bit jealous. Not that they are having fun, but because they are doing so much with out me.

Summer

I have decided that summer as a working adult stinks. I can't play as often as much as I would like.

Warning this is going to be a really long post....

Alright, I have been working on this blog for about a week. So I broke it up into four different sections. So if you don't want you don't have to read the entire thing because it will be very long!

Outside Looking In...

First the Lynn M. Pope family reunion. Lynn was Kraig's grandpa, who died long before Kraig was even thought of. There are a lot of stories of him, and would love to meet him someday.
The reunion was very fun for me, since I have not meet all of Kraig's family. The problem with a big reunion (or weddings, anything that is a big group really) is you don't really get any one on one time. I don't do well in groups, I always end up on the outside of everything. Sometimes it feels like I don't quite belong, I am a little quiet, and a little shy (hard to believe if you know my family). Plus I am not as funny, clever, or smart as most his family. However being on the outside lets me see things that others don't. I will warn you if you get me one on one I can talk your ear off. I love family, and so often it is hard when you have family spread all over the place, because you don't always get to see every one.
Kraig has two uncles, and two aunts, and a lot of cousins on his mom's side. One of the families, the Foley's, had not been all together in about ten years. I wish that both of our families could get together more often. There are still people missing, but here is a picture of the entire group, my sister in law April took the picture.



Here is a picture of Kraig with his cousin AmyLynn who is pregnant and very cute.


Here is a visitor that we had that decided to drop by.


The funny thing is, I seemed to be one of the few girls that wanted to catch him. At least the only girl over the age of 10.


While we were waiting to do some planned activities we took our nephew Geo-caching. He had fun finding this one.


Why is it, that no matter where we go, the Oaks boys always end up with a computer?


Another welcome visitor, her name is Cookie, and our niece absolutely loved her. Cookie is a English bull dog. They are known for being very good with kids, and as you can see, this one really is.
P.S. The niece with the dog, has no fear, she just ran up to the dog and started playing with her. However when we went swimming, she did not seem to enjoy that.


Missing People

I think partly because of the family reunion. I started thinking about a family that growing up, they were practically my second family. It has been about 12 years since I have seen any of them. They meant as much to me as my own family. They were as much my siblings as my real siblings are. When I was 14, one of them died of cancer. At the time she was only 26. After she died I didn't see the family often, then when I was graduating high school, I went to visit them. The girls mom, had a hard time with her death, and it seemed to me when I went to visit them she had a hard time seeing me. So after I left I decided it wasn't a good thing for me to visit them. I didn't want to cause any problems, or make things worse. So I haven't seen or talked to them pretty much since. Now I have to ask myself if I really needed to cut myself off from them, so I often wonder how they are doing, and what they have been doing. I have thought about going to my friends grave, but I haven't. I don't want to drag Kraig there, and I don't want to go by myself. I guess I am stuck. I still miss her. Here is a poem I wrote about my friend shortly after she died:

My Friend

My friend lives very far away,
but yet she lives in a place
so secret only we can find,
this place is deep with in my heart,
for that is where she is for now,
until I see her again in the here after,
for I believe that she is still living even though she’s not,
My friend means so much to me,
and always has,
and always will,
for my friend is with me now.


Hospitals

My very wonderful Mother-in-law Linda had to have her knee replaced, so she is currently in the hospital. I hate hospitals, every time I go visit someone I try to pass out(unless they had a baby, then I am fine). I have not figured out why that is. I have been that way for years. I was that way when I was about 12 or 13 and my dad had to have is appendix out. I don't quite understand why.
Linda was suppose to come home yesterday, but because the medication they put her on makes her sleep, they decided to keep her longer since she is not as far along in her physically therapy as they would like her to be. Hopefully she will be able to come home soon.

Dreaming

One of Kraig's cousins lives back East. I keep thinking it would be a lot of fun to move closer to them. It is so pretty where they live, plus the cost of housing is cheaper. Kraig would never move that far away, so for now I will just have to deal with visiting them sometime, preferably sooner then later. Sometimes I just think it is fun to dream about living other places, and doing different things. Kraig loves being in Utah, and would hate to leave the mountains. I like the fact that in the valley I can never get lost, I always no where I am. Maybe one day I will be able to live some where outside of Utah, even for a short time.