A little over a year ago, a friend posted a link to a blog. http://www.violentacres.com/archives/313/marriage-is-a-series-of-peaks-and-valleys Although there is some risque language I enjoy her insight. I have also edited out several un-needed words.
Marriage is a Series of Peaks and Valleys
January 10th, 2008.
I went hiking today and on my way home, I decided to stop by a gas station and grab myself a bottle of diet pepsi. In the middle of the afternoon, during the week, is typically a very slow time for a gas station and today was no exception. When I walked in, the gas station attendant was apparently so aimless that she had time to get into a very involved conversation with the only other customer in the store.
The women were both very animatedly discussing marriage. The customer kept interrupting the attendant to insist that ‘she didn’t need to get married, she could be perfectly happy being alone for the rest of her life!’ in that way that people do when they’re trying to convince themselves more than they’re trying to convince you. Still, the attendant nodded enthusiastically in agreement.
After grabbing my diet, I stood behind them uncomfortably gnawing my bottom lip. A couple of times, I considered holding up my bottle and asking, “Hi! Do you mind if I just buy this and leave?” But, I refrained because I was raised to believe that interrupting is impolite.
Finally, the gas station attendant acknowledged me, although she had no interest in actually ringing up my purchase. Instead, she asked, “You’re not married, are you?”
“Well, yeah. I am,” I answered.
“You guys probably haven’t been together for long, though, right?”
“Well, um, almost 8 years now.”
Both the attendant and the customer crowed at me, awestruck, as if I just told them I was preparing to celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary or something. You know the institution of marriage is in trouble when anything over 2 years is considered impressive.
“Wow! People like you are a dying breed,” the customer said, “Not many people can get married nowadays and make it work!”
“Well,” I replied carefully, “A lot of people go into marriage with a lot of unrealistic expectations.”
“Ain’t that the truth!”
At that point, I plopped my diet pepsi on the counter, gave the attendant a very meaningful glance, and sighed in relief when she took the hint and rung me out. After all, I seriously have better things to do than discuss the ins and outs of my relationship in a gas station.
But the whole thing did get me thinking about the expectations people seem to have about marriage. From what I can gather, it seems as though people get married hoping for a fairytale. They envision a lifetime of being completely in sync with another person, where every situation is tackled zestfully and worked out with optimal results and no one ever feels the least bit lonely or taken for granted or unloved. Oftentimes, if you ask them, they’ll concede that people do change, but in their particular case, they are expecting to change together because they are best friends and soul mates and they intend to stay that way forever.
Two years later, when they’re filing for divorce, you’ll find them wondering where they went wrong. The easy is answer, there is no such thing as fairytales. A marriage is a series of peaks and valleys. Sometimes, you’ll be so in love with your partner that you can’t imagine life without them. Other times? No so much. He**, there will be moments in your marriage where you won’t even particularly like your spouse. People who say there’s no place for ambivalence in a marriage usually haven’t been married for very long.
Unfortunately, when plunged deep into the valley for the very first time, most couples panic and call the marriage counselor. If that doesn’t prove to be a quick fix, they find an attorney. After an expensive, bitter, hateful divorce, they go their separate ways destined to repeat the entire scenario with their next spouse.
No one ever tells them that the valleys are temporary. If they wait it out with good humor, they’ll likely peak again.
I don’t really know how men feel about the valleys in a marriage. However, I do know women tend to overreact intensely to any sign of dissatisfaction in the marital home. Women have an almost obsessive need to feel connected to their partner and even the slightest amount of distance instigates crying fits, martyrdom, temper tantrums, blame games and other overemotional displays of womanly angst. A man forgets one birthday or is less than enthused about a single outing and suddenly the love is gone and the relationship is dead. Unfortunately, jumping the gun or attempting to force a connection never helps. You can’t nag your way into a happy marriage.
I’m not a marriage expert. As I said earlier, I’ve only been married a shade under a decade myself. However, I’ve found that when my marriage hits a valley, a useful and effective thing to do is occupy my time somewhere else. I’ll take up a new hobby, get involved with another cause, or make a new friend. If I want to take up salsa dancing and my husband doesn’t, I don’t whine and cry that he never does anything I want to do or insist he doesn’t love me anymore. Instead, I’ll shrug my shoulders and go salsa dancing myself.
A long time ago, it occurred to me that we are two separate people who will likely grow and change over the years, but it’s not necessary for us to live the exact same lives. Sometimes, we’ve got to be willing to do our own thing. Our individual identities are our own and we’ve got to take some personal responsibility for our satisfaction in life instead of depending on each other to make us happy.
Besides, in doing our own thing, we often find more things to love about each other. No matter how long and tedious the valley may seem at the time, we always peak again.
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The reason that I decided to post this now is because I know what seems like a lot of people that either just got divorced, are in the processes of getting divorced, or they are thinking about getting divorced. I am one of the odd people that believe if there is a lot of animosity in a home, and it can not be fixed then divorce is an answer (especially if their are children). I am saddened by others who are getting divorced though.
Girls have forever read "Princess Stories", or as they get older read authors like Jane Austen, where at the end of the book everything works out. Then all the movies that we all watch that portray by the end of the movie everything is perfect and they all live "Happily Ever After". Here is the problem with "Happily Ever After", life doesn't work that way. Even if you do find true love, or your soul mate, or just that one person, you still have to work. Also most girls start planning their wedding long before they actually meet someone they would consider marrying. It is fun to dream, and fun to think about the small stuff.
Kraig and I have something that the rest of the world does not. Almost nine years into marriage, we often still act like newly weds. This maybe partly because we don't have kids yet, but I don't really think that is the big reason why. Kraig and I have a different story. When we met we didn't become instant best friends, that took a little work, and a lot of trust. We never became girlfriend/boyfriend before we were married, we had hung out. By the time we decided to get married Kraig was my best friend. He still is, he is the one that no matter what I tell everything to. Here's the thing though, we have issues. We work through them. There are only a handful of things that I think we would not be able to work out, I pray that we will never have to deal with those things.
Everyday takes work, and every day we have to take steps together, otherwise we end up walking apart.
I do also need to throw out there, that I don't understand why some people get married when they know the person that they are marrying is not in love with them. There a people that seem to settle when they get married. Why? If you know some one does not love you, why would you just settle for that?
I still want to believe in true love, I still want to believe that there is a kind of love that can out last time, and space. Something so real that it is almost tangible.
I can not judge other people, or their marriages. I only have the insight of mine. I can not say that what works for Kraig and I will work for anybody else. I can not say who should and should not get married, or divorced. I can only say "Happily Ever After" does not work the way always want it to.
