A New Year

A few years ago Stacy, my cousin (in-law) decided not to do New Years Resolutions. Now she does a phrase to live by, it becomes her theme for the year. Well I am totally stealing her first phrase to live by.

Live Authentically.


There have been a lot of changes in my life over the last year. Next year, I am going to follow my heart more. I am going to step outside of my comfort zone. I am going to try and find what I am good at. I want to find what is in my soul to do. Very similar to the Indian philosophy of dharma. 


So often I feel a pull towards something. I am always afraid to leave where I am. I always second guess myself. I always worry that if I go where I think I should I will fall flat. I recently found a quote that I love by Stephen Cope "We cannot be anyone we want to be. We can only authentically be who we are.".
In all my reading of dharma I am also reminded of a wonderful quote by Chef Seattle "Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect.".


We can only be ourselves. We can only do what we ourselves can do. What we do, will and does affect others. If you aren't doing what is in your soul, you affect others. 


There are so many things I want to learn. There is so much to live for. I am tired of trying to work, and save to play someday. I want to play now. I want to live now. I want to love getting up in the morning. I want to love my job and my work. I don't want to be mediocre at something I can do, I want to be great at something I love. 


I love learning. I have a passion that when I hear about something new, I want to learn as much as I can about it. I usually jump in with both feet, and hope I don't go in over my head (which I usually do). 


I am not here to live someone else's life, I am not here to live someone else's dream. I am here to live my life. I have to live my life according to the dictates of my own conscience. I can't follow something that feels wrong to me. I can't make myself be someone or something I am not. I can only be authentically me, and that is the person I tend to be. It may take me longer than a year, it may take the rest of my life. However there are things in my life that have to change. Change is scary, but it is necessary right now for me.


I am not scared of finding out that I need to go in a completely different direction, I am not scared to find out that what I need to do is something seemingly small. I am not scared to find out, that my direction is different than everyone else thinks it should be. I am not going to be afraid to stand up for myself, and my dreams any more. Everyone is different, everyone's path is different. Nobody has the right to judge anyone else. Nobody had the right to say if the way someone else is going is wrong. Only the person who life it is can say that.

I have kept so many things bottled up for decades. I rarely let myself feel things. I would follow people blindly. I would do what others told me I should do. I cannot do that any longer. I cannot depend on others. I need to stand up on my own, even if it means I am the only one on my path.

Missing

I woke up this morning missing a friend that I have not seen in over a decade. They are not on any social media that I can find.
During high school they were one of the few people I trusted. I loved them completely, as they were. I may not have always done a good job of showing it. I know they have probably changed, and I know that the person I miss is the 17 year old that I last knew. However I still love them. I still want them to be happy. I wish I knew where to find them, just to find out how they are doing, and make sure they are all right.

Thoughts

We recently had our house broken into. This is the second time in a four week period. I do not feel safe in my own house. I don't want to leave my house either. I know the police are doing what they can, and I know that the chances of getting back the one thing I want is very slim. I want my laptop back that has pictures and videos of my daughter. I also have writing on my laptop that I will never be able recreate. I feel so hurt and violated. I can not put into words how much this has affected me. I can not comprehend why someone would break into somebody else's house and take their things.

There has been so much violence in the news lately. People want a magic fix. There isn't one. The only real fix is for everyone to start respecting and loving everyone. Until then bad things will continue to happen.

Here is a picture of the person that broke into our house. Kraig set up a video camera in the living room, so this was taken in our house.

Random Thoughts

I love this picture of Kate, it is one of my absolute favorite pictures of her. It was taken by my very talented SIL at a wedding reception she was hired to photograph.

 A lot of times I feel like I have so much to say. I have so much that I feel that I want to express, but I have such a hard time expressing my feelings. I often find myself not being able to put my feelings into words. Simply because there aren't any words that really describe my feelings correctly. Lately I feel like I have a lot to say, I just can't seem to find a way to do it.

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 I started working on a project. I recently decided to start all over, and do it differently. So what I was hopping to have done before Christmas, probably won't be done until next month. Hopefully it will be better though.

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 We took Kate to the Festival of Trees today. I decided that instead of carrying all our stuff I took our little stroller. Kate kept wanting to push it, bad idea. There were so many people, and when we wouldn't let her push it she would get mad. However she loved all the Christmas trees. She also loved to see "Christmas Clause".

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 I am glad that Kate doesn't get night terrors often, but when she I always feel bad. She will start screaming in her sleep, she will also sit up, and have her eyes open, yet she is completely asleep.

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 Kate was so grumpy today. Up until we put her in her crib for her nap, than all of a sudden she is super happy, and played in her crib for two hours before she finally fell asleep.