Right Now

From Misc.

As I stated in my last post. I have been becoming more wrapped up in myself, and what is wrong in my little world. Which right now is a lot. I have had my hours and pay cut at work. I will now be paying my babysitter half of my pay check every week. Plus we have some major bills that we need to take care of, and I am so stressed by all of this that it is making me sick to my stomach.
With all that said, I don't know what to do. I probably should find a second job or something, but I can't seems to make myself. Some of this stems from fear. The fear of never seeing my husband, the fear of never seeing my daughter, and even the fear of failure and rejection. It is very scary to start a new job, at least for me. I am kind of good at a few things, but not really great at one thing. I am awkward, and clunky. Since I just can’t understand spending lots of money on just one outfit I am not stylish.
My real issue is that with all of this frustration, and not being able to really focus on others. I am having a hard time even focusing on my little family. Kraig wouldn't tell me if he needed something (he is an Oaks, and anyone married to an Oaks knows what I am talking about). However Kate does need me, but with how stressed I am, I am not of any good to her right now. The other day she wanted to play, and I was trying to be a good mom by not turning on the TV, so I tried to play with her. After 30 minutes of Kate bouncing on me, and me just feeling like she was just beating me up. I was done. I can’t entertain her, I can’t be what she needs right now.
Taking a step back, and trying to have a positive attitude is nearly impossible for me right now. I try, and I try to focus on my family, but something always sucks me back. I often hope for a miracle, some nice wonderful person gives us a large lump sum, or something along those lines. I know the chances of that happening are beyond nonexistent, so I just keep trying to take care of everything on my own.
I have thought about going to school, but it is pointless, what in the crap would I be good at. I am overly emotional, I am tired of leaving my daughter with someone else all day, and we are barely scrapping by so me getting another job, will only help so much. I am never going to be rich and famous, and I am fine with that. I just wish that things were easier for us.

Step one

From Kim & Kraig plus Kate

In my attempt to become a better person. I turned to a source that has always lead me in the right direction. I turned to the Ensign. In this months Ensign President Monson had written an article called "Living the Abundant Life".
In this article he states: "At the advent of a new year, I challenge Latter-day Saints everywhere to undertake a personal, diligent, significant quest for what I call the abundant life—a life filled with an abundance of success, goodness, and blessings. Just as we learned the ABCs in school, I offer my own ABCs to help us all gain the abundant life."
His "A" is a Positive Attitude. Lately I have been having such a hard time having a positive outlook on things. The reason is because of all the things that keep coming up. Things keep happening. All these things seem to have started shortly after Kate was born, and they keep piling up, and it seems as though we are never going to get caught up. I realize that some of this is me getting caught up in myself, but I will be doing another post on that later. President Monson says "So much in life depends on our attitude. The way we choose to see things and respond to others makes all the difference." So I am going to remind myself that everyday.

President Monson's "B" is Believe in Yourself. He states "Don’t limit yourself and don’t let others convince you that you are limited in what you can do. Believe in yourself and then live so as to reach your possibilities." Now this I have had issues with since I was a kid. Mainly because of all the negative things what were repeated to me day in and day out by my dad. I am doing better with this, but it is still hard, even after all these years my dad's voice is still the loudest one I hear. (Which just goes to prove words can hurt, so be careful what you say to others.)

"C" is Face Challenges with Courage, saying "C is for courage. Courage becomes a worthwhile and meaningful virtue when it is regarded not so much as a willingness to die manfully but as a determination to live decently."
This reminds me of the old Young Women's theme (I know it has changed since I was in Young Women's. I don't know if this part is still the same or if it has changed). We will stand as witnesses of God at all times, in all things, and in all places. To me we just need to do what we have been asked, and be who we are everywhere we go.

I am not perfect, I will forget somethings. I will lose patients with myself and others. I want you to know that I am doing my best though.

A New Year

There is so much to say, and so much I would like to express. Things have been crazy for months, and in all reality will probably remain so for a very long time.

Kate is growing like crazy. I often worry about whether she is getting enough to eat because she never seems to want anything. Her go to food is cheese. So when we can't seem to get her to eat anything else we usually end up making her mac & cheese.

A couple of months ago Kraig was called to serve in the Elders Quorum. I believe that this calling will be good for him. However I sometimes have a hard time with it. There are some weeks that they will meet two or three times a week for several hours. This leaves me home with Kate by myself. Sometimes that isn't a problem, other times I am more than ready to pull my hair out by the time I put her to bed.

I am still teaching primary. This year I have an older group of kids than previously. This year I have the 8 to 10 year old kids. So far I enjoy having kids that are old enough to read, and are a little less work at trying to get to pay attention.

Last year flew by, I couldn't believe at how fast summer came and went, and than at how fast Christmas came and went. Now we are a week into the new year, and I am just barely getting to blogging.

I have made a few decisions. This year my biggest goal is to try and be better. I want to eat better, exercise more, spend more time with my family, but over all I want to be the person I know I can be.
I have had a rough few months, and I know things are not going to get better over night, however I know that eventually things will work out. I am grateful for what I have, and I am grateful to know that there are people out there that I can lean on for help.