Nobody tells you that being a mom is always more work than fun. Nobody tells you that being a mom is seriously stressful. Nobody tells you that being a mom is never as easy as most women make it seem. Nobody ever tells you, that when you are bi-polar, being a mom is 100 million times harder than it is for most women.
I wish someone could have told me what being a parent was really like before I became one. I also wish someone could have told me that a little more then a year ago due to a medication I was on, it would definitely trigger bi-polar two. I love my daughter, I would never give her up. However I wish someone could have been honest about being a parent. All I heard before having my daughter was that being a parent was the best thing, and that kids are so fulfilling. I heard that two and threes could be a little hard. The truth was, Kate screamed for the first three and a half months. She is stubborn. She tests my patients, and has since almost the day she was born. When she tries to be super independent when we are in a hurry can drive any parent crazy. She thinks things are suppose to work a certain way, and when they don't she gets mad. She will get mad when you do what she demands. She will get mad when you don't do what she demands. She will meltdown when you do what she wants, and when she doesn't want it at the same time. She will get so silly that she starts getting mad. At times she has a very fine line between being very happy, and melting down. She has never been mellow. She has never sat still. She has always had to move constantly, to the point when she was really little she had to be held all the time, and she wouldn't let you sit still. I wish someone could have told me just how honestly hard being a mom is, at least then I could have gone in with more understanding. Babies are not easy, and mine was not fun most of the time.
Now that I have been a mom for three years, I can honestly say I could NEVER be a stay at home mom. I would either go crazy, or I would probably hurt someone. There are times I think I could do it and I feel guilty for being a working mom, than I spend a few hours with Kate by myself when she and I are both having a bad day. Being a stay at home mom, would not work for me. When I say I don't want another child because I can't handle it, please understand I mentally can NOT handle another little kid. It doesn't matter if second child is different, different doesn't mean better. When they are super little, they may not play with each other. There are some kids that won't play with kids that are younger than they are. Trying to convince me that I need a second child just makes me frustrated. I know me. I know what I can handle and I know that another child would cause me to break completely. That isn't fair to me, it isn't fair to Kate, it isn't fair to Kraig, and it would not be fair to that child. I have my bi-polar mostly under control, but that doesn't mean I don't get frustrated. It also means that someone that has never dealt with the frustration that comes from bi-polar can never understand where I am. You can't teach, what you don't know or understand.
I love my daughter, most days I have a hard time with her, but there are days that she can show me the beautiful world as she sees it. There are so many things about her I do not want to have change. I love her curiosity. I love her imagination. I love her eagerness to learn as much as she can. I love that she is wild, and crazy (I just can't always handle it).
Here is a little about Bi-Polar 2 (from Bipolar Disorder Symptoms):
Bipolar 2 disorder is a milder type of bipolar disorder than the classic form of “manic-depression”, now known as bipolar 1 disorder. Although the mood of a person with bipolar type 2 disorder cycles between a “low” or depressed state, and an elevated or “high” state, they do not get the severe symptoms of full mania such as hallucinations and delusions. Instead they go through episodes of a milder type of mania, called “hypomania,” with comparatively mild symptoms. But the symptoms of bipolar 2 disorder – also known as bipolar II and bipolar type 2 disorder – can still be severely disruptive, and may make normal life almost impossible until the symptoms pass.
You can read more at their website at http://www.bipolar-disordersymptoms.org/bipolar-2/
Now just for fun, a few pictures of Kate. Some are old, and some are not.
