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| From Misc. |
As I stated in my last post. I have been becoming more wrapped up in myself, and what is wrong in my little world. Which right now is a lot. I have had my hours and pay cut at work. I will now be paying my babysitter half of my pay check every week. Plus we have some major bills that we need to take care of, and I am so stressed by all of this that it is making me sick to my stomach.
With all that said, I don't know what to do. I probably should find a second job or something, but I can't seems to make myself. Some of this stems from fear. The fear of never seeing my husband, the fear of never seeing my daughter, and even the fear of failure and rejection. It is very scary to start a new job, at least for me. I am kind of good at a few things, but not really great at one thing. I am awkward, and clunky. Since I just can’t understand spending lots of money on just one outfit I am not stylish.
My real issue is that with all of this frustration, and not being able to really focus on others. I am having a hard time even focusing on my little family. Kraig wouldn't tell me if he needed something (he is an Oaks, and anyone married to an Oaks knows what I am talking about). However Kate does need me, but with how stressed I am, I am not of any good to her right now. The other day she wanted to play, and I was trying to be a good mom by not turning on the TV, so I tried to play with her. After 30 minutes of Kate bouncing on me, and me just feeling like she was just beating me up. I was done. I can’t entertain her, I can’t be what she needs right now.
Taking a step back, and trying to have a positive attitude is nearly impossible for me right now. I try, and I try to focus on my family, but something always sucks me back. I often hope for a miracle, some nice wonderful person gives us a large lump sum, or something along those lines. I know the chances of that happening are beyond nonexistent, so I just keep trying to take care of everything on my own.
I have thought about going to school, but it is pointless, what in the crap would I be good at. I am overly emotional, I am tired of leaving my daughter with someone else all day, and we are barely scrapping by so me getting another job, will only help so much. I am never going to be rich and famous, and I am fine with that. I just wish that things were easier for us.
3 comments:
Oh man, you sound really stressed and down! I think so many of us can relate in this terrible economy. Bleh. Sorry things are so hard right now. I know it's not easy. I can even relate to the stomach aches caused by stress. I wonder if trying something new would help? Nothing major, even driving a different route to work or eating something different or starting a new hobby. Jigsaw puzzles help me when I'm feeling stressed and anxious. Also, reach out to friends. And let people help you if they offer. Too bad you guys aren't closer. Don't do it all on your own. It's okay to get help when you need it. It really, truly is. Hang in there, friend!
(By the way, I just happened to visit your blog and I was glad to see you're still blogging! But it's not showing up in my Google Reader -- which is probably why I fell out of touch -- I just checked and it says your blog isn't putting out a feed . . . if you set it to publish a feed, I'll know when you update. I'd love to keep up!)
Sorry that you are feeling so down Kim! Is there anything I can do to help? I do like Stacie's suggestions of trying some new things and maybe if you did find another job it would turn out to be just the thing you need. I think there are lots of things you are good at, and one is being a good mom! Kate loves you so much and I can see that every time I see you guys. Change is scary, but I think it might be just what you need! I'm here if you ever need me!
Oh dear, do I know how you feel. I was just thinking this morning "If someone could just give us $15,000, we would be fine!" There never seems to be enough and it is so stressful trying to worry about how we're going to pay for everything. I wish I had an answer for you but I don't. But I do know how you feel.
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