I have been working on this entry for a long time. There are
so few people that know this about me, and so few will understand, which is why
I haven’t talked about it. This is
something I have been having a hard time with for a long time. It is why there
is very little on my blog about what I believe, and my thoughts and feelings
about my church.
I am not really sure where to begin. I guess the best place to start is when Kraig and I moved in together before we were married (I am not getting into that, that is another very long story for those that don’t know it). It started when a person whose job it was to listen, didn’t. Several things happened and Kraig and I ended up moving in together before we were married. I went into talk to my bishop at my college ward, he basically kicked me out. It was this action that started something in me that I have had a hard time with ever since. I walked out that day, and as hurt as I was, and as upset as I still am by his choice. I know my choice was right for me at the time.
I am not really sure where to begin. I guess the best place to start is when Kraig and I moved in together before we were married (I am not getting into that, that is another very long story for those that don’t know it). It started when a person whose job it was to listen, didn’t. Several things happened and Kraig and I ended up moving in together before we were married. I went into talk to my bishop at my college ward, he basically kicked me out. It was this action that started something in me that I have had a hard time with ever since. I walked out that day, and as hurt as I was, and as upset as I still am by his choice. I know my choice was right for me at the time.
Since that time I have struggled with church, when I first
went back it was hard. We didn’t try to
go back to church until after Kraig and I got married. Once we started going
again we worked on getting sealed on our 1st anniversary (which we did).
We did well for a while. We got put in
primary, which was the best birth control, Kraig and I taught the sunbeams,
there were 10 kids. It was too much for us at the time. Shortly after we were
released my dad got sick. After my dad passed away, I started asking a lot of
questions.
My whole life I spent fighting my dad so that I could go to
church. There were several times that I would get grounded for going to church.
I would also get in more trouble when I paid tithing, but I did it anyway. My
dad didn’t even want me going to the Young Women weekly activities. Several
times I had to sneak out to go.
When my dad died I started questioning my reasons for
fighting so hard. I didn’t know if it was because it is what I believed, or if
it was my way of rebelling. I started questioning all of motives for
things. Soon Kraig and I moved back to
Salt Lake (we had been living in St. George while everything above
happened). When we got put in as Sunday
School teachers, I often had a hard time going, and I was having a hard time
teaching. I couldn’t teach something that I was having a hard time doing. It was also during this time that we started
looking to buy a house. So we kind of just quit going to church. When we actually moved I had no problem just
staying home.
I felt so out of place going to church. I felt as if I
didn’t belong. Even now years after I
started going back I feel out of place. I hate trying to teach primary, because
I feel I don’t belong there. I struggle
with so many of the simple things.
There are many things that I never quit believing. I am a
person that makes decisions based on emotion. People talk about logic and about
being able to touch and see things. That isn’t me. I am such an emotional
person. I have to feel that something is right, and feel that something is
wrong. There are things that I see so
differently now than I use to.
There are so many things that I want to say, but I just don’t
know how.
Here is one of my favorite songs. Heaven by Live
Here is one of my favorite songs. Heaven by Live
4 comments:
Oh Kim. I'm so sorry your hurting. When bad things happen, we have to chose how we will react. I don't believe there are really mistakes. We make decisions and we have accept consequences good or bad. They mold us into the people we become. It's obvious that you have a testimony, you fought so hard for it in your youth. Get back to the simple of the gospel, prayer, scripture study and simple faith. If it kindles something inside you, then you will know what you need to do. If you chose not to go back to church, your still a good person. Look back on your experiences and be grateful for the good foundation they gave you to make you the person you are today. Will send a prayer your way, that things will look up.
I have recently had an experience with one of my primary teachers feeling this same way. She had just moved back to Gallup and the Bishop put her in Primary her first week back, but what none of us knew was that she hadn't gone to church for the past 5 years. So she struggled and struggled and eventually quit coming. She emailed me to apologize for being "a pain in the butt", but my heart ached for her. The weeks she wasn't there I worried about her. And when she finally gave up, I called her and said, "We want you here. Even if you don't feel like you belong; even if you can't make it every week, you have never been a pain. You have always been a blessing and we all want you here." Kim, that might not be the way you feel like others feel about you, but I promise they do. If those callings are too much--don't accept the calling. Ask for help. Tell the Bishop your struggles. Do the things that are so hard (those cliche's like praying, reading your scriptures, and going to church). It may be a life long struggle for you; I can't promise that it will get easier. But if you believe the Church is true, if you want your kids to grow up with the Gospel, it's worth the struggle, don't you think? I'm not trying to sound preachy, I'm really not. Ever since moving out of Utah I have felt so passionate about this. In Utah, there were so many mormons going to church I never gave those who were struggling to come a second thought. But here, there are so few people actually going to church, and we desperately need them. And WANT them. I hope I never write people off that way again. I am so lucky that this isn't something I struggle with, but I have other struggles, so I do know a bit about how you feel. Saying prayers and reading scriptures every day is so hard for me, even though I know it's the right thing to do. I promise I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but my heart literally aches for the people who know the church is true and don't come. I want them; we all want them, but mostly, Heavenly Father and the Savior want you. I hope you can find some peace and know that whatever decision you make, we all love you no matter what.
Emily, Thank you. That is exactly how I am feeling. I do believe in the Savior, I do believe that the gospel is true. It is church I have a hard time with. Reading & praying are hard for me now. When I was in high school, it was easy.
Kimi, I think I understand how hard it is. When you where little it was hard because your dad was so unactive that he wouldn't allow us to go to church. It was easier to stay home. Sometimes I still feel that way. I have a testimony that I have to work at because of all the years that I worked every Sunday. There are somethings that are very hard for me, too. Some of the places we lived in I never felt like I belonged either. I worked when no one else did so you and Jen weren't allowed to play with the children if I wasn't home. Not my me but by the other mothers in the neighborhood. I love you no matter it you are active or not.
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