Babies

There have been so many people that keep asking (or pushing) when Kraig and I are going to have another baby. Right now I am going to say we are done. Here is why.

I have no patients anymore. I lost it all within the first 6 weeks of Kate being born. I think the worse day was  only two weeks after she was born, and she cried for half of the day. I was totally frazzled, and I had no idea what to do. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know what I needed. Those first 6 weeks were the hardest of my life.
Mothering did not come naturally to me. During the first 48 hours of Kate's life, I kept thinking that it wasn't real. The second night at the hospital, instead of listening to my very smart SIL (who has four kids), I kept Kate in my room with me. I don't think I slept very much if at all that night. Kate started crying, and it took forever for me to calm her down. At one point during the night I should have sent her to the nursery, but I didn't.
It took me until Kate was about 18 months to 2 years before I was any good at nurturing. I tried, but I really wasn't very good at it before she was 18 months. Now at least I can get her to tell me what is wrong, or what she wants. Sometimes it requires waiting until she has calmed down.
I know everyone keeps saying that the next one will be different. Well different doesn't mean better, it doesn't mean easier. I can not handle Kate some days, throw another baby in the mix, and I may end up going off the deep end.
I love Kate, but there were times when she was first born that I would wish she would disappear. I didn't want to hurt her, and I didn't want anything bad to happen to her. I just didn't want her around. I couldn't handle her. Now things are a lot better, and I am glad to have her.
There have also been people that tell me that they will play together. That may be true down the line, but not in the first two years of the new babies life. They don't really play until they reach two, and right now Kate would rather play by herself than with other kids. So that leaves Kraig and me to try and entertain two little kids at the same time. Again I would probably end up going off the deep end.
Mentally I can only handle one child right now. So that is all that I am going to have right now. If I don't take care of myself mentally and physically than I would end up not being able to take care of anybody. I have to do what is best for me and my little family.

People moving

Kate at her 2nd birthday party.


Recently Kate had three of her cousins move out of state. She also had one of her friends move away. I feel bad for her, and in some ways I am mourning the lose of these people in her life. I know that her cousins will still be there, but she isn't going to be able see them or play with them very often now. I also know that down the line she will forget about her friend, and she won't remember playing with her cousins. It kind of makes me sad.

Unconditional Love

I believe in true unconditional love. I will love my daughter unconditionally for my entire life.
I love my daughter just the way she is, and I do not want any outside forces making her change. I love her endless curiosity. I love her sassy, fun personality. I love that she is always going. I love that she is so smart.
She is beautiful just the way she is. I do not want any one to take that away from her for any reason.


Photo by Jill Oaks Photography

Grateful

I have so much to say, but I can't seem to find the right words. So right now is probably not the time to say it...
However I do need to thank the few people I have around that listen and understand.

So here is a awesome picture Kraig took of Kate.

My Current Random Thoughts

As much as I love to read, sometimes I just have a hard time reading. It is like I can only read so many books, and than I lose all my drive to read.

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Right now I am having the hardest time concentrating. I feel very disconnected. Plus I am so stinking tired all the time. It doesn't help that my migraine just does not want to go away.

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Stress sucks.

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Kate is getting so big! She loves to talk on the phone, which she usually just rambles, and says "bye bye" a bunch of times. However she did sing "Twinkle Twinkle" to my brother last week.

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My Grandpa with dementia often has no idea who I am. He knows I have a little girl. He knows I have a husband, but he doesn't really know who I am. It is hard sometimes. He forgets little things all the time, and he often doesn't know what year or day it is. A lot of people keep expecting him to get better. They don't get he is never going to get better, he is only going to get worse.

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I really need a new cell phone. It has issues. There are days that it just doesn't get messages, and it won't send texts. Drives me crazy. Oh well it will just have to wait.

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I went and saw a doctor today, it wasn't my regular doctor. He wasn't my favorite. I missed my regular doctor. Too bad my regular doctor is only there two days a week, and she hasn't been there in the afternoons lately.

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I am not teaching primary anymore, and I have to say, it has been nice.

Struggling

I have been working on this entry for a long time. There are so few people that know this about me, and so few will understand, which is why I haven’t talked about it.  This is something I have been having a hard time with for a long time. It is why there is very little on my blog about what I believe, and my thoughts and feelings about my church.
I am not really sure where to begin.  I guess the best place to start is when Kraig and I moved in together before we were married (I am not getting into that, that is another very long story for those that don’t know it).  It started when a person whose job it was to listen, didn’t.  Several things happened and Kraig and I ended up moving in together before we were married. I went into talk to my bishop at my college ward, he basically kicked me out. It was this action that started something in me that I have had a hard time with ever since. I walked out that day, and as hurt as I was, and as upset as I still am by his choice. I know my choice was right for me at the time.

Since that time I have struggled with church, when I first went back it was hard.  We didn’t try to go back to church until after Kraig and I got married. Once we started going again we worked on getting sealed on our 1^st anniversary (which we did).  We did well for a while. We got put in primary, which was the best birth control, Kraig and I taught the sunbeams, there were 10 kids. It was too much for us at the time. Shortly after we were released my dad got sick. After my dad passed away, I started asking a lot of questions.

My whole life I spent fighting my dad so that I could go to church. There were several times that I would get grounded for going to church. I would also get in more trouble when I paid tithing, but I did it anyway. My dad didn’t even want me going to the Young Women weekly activities. Several times I had to sneak out to go.

When my dad died I started questioning my reasons for fighting so hard. I didn’t know if it was because it is what I believed, or if it was my way of rebelling. I started questioning all of motives for things.  Soon Kraig and I moved back to Salt Lake (we had been living in St. George while everything above happened).  When we got put in as Sunday School teachers, I often had a hard time going, and I was having a hard time teaching. I couldn’t teach something that I was having a hard time doing.  It was also during this time that we started looking to buy a house. So we kind of just quit going to church.  When we actually moved I had no problem just staying home.

I felt so out of place going to church. I felt as if I didn’t belong.  Even now years after I started going back I feel out of place. I hate trying to teach primary, because I feel I don’t belong there.  I struggle with so many of the simple things.

There are many things that I never quit believing. I am a person that makes decisions based on emotion. People talk about logic and about being able to touch and see things. That isn’t me. I am such an emotional person. I have to feel that something is right, and feel that something is wrong.  There are things that I see so differently now than I use to.

There are so many things that I want to say, but I just don’t know how.

Here is one of my favorite songs. Heaven by Live

Just Thinking

(My dad, sister, brother, and me)

 In about three weeks, it will be ten years since my dad passed away. I still have no idea how I feel about it. The only thing that has ever really made me miss him, has been trying to deal with my grandpa that has dementia. I have often wondered how things would be if he had never gotten sick. I also wondered how things would be if he had survived the cancer. I wish that putting everything that is bottled up into words was possible, but it isn't. My dad was not my favorite person, he was not someone that I could talk to, and most of the time he didn't understand who I was. However because of what he was, I became who I am, for good or bad.

(My dad's favorite past-time)

(I am not sure when this picture was taken, I don't know if it was after he got sick, or not)