I am not really sure where to start with this. So please have patience with me as I fumble my way through this.
I have been working on a project since around Halloween last year. Unfortunately since Mr. Jerk broke into my house and stole my laptop, my project got put on hold.
My project, is my story. It is an explanation as to why I do somethings, and why I feel the way I do about somethings.
In order for me to tell this story, I have been trying to make myself remember somethings. These things are things I have forgotten on purpose. They are memories that are filled with pain and anger. I have been afraid of facing these things. I am scared that remembering will bring back everything. While I was going to school, I lived in a constant state of fear. I hid it. I hid everything. I didn't want people outside of the situation to know what was going on. Turns out I was really good at hiding my feelings. Now over a decade later, I have buried everything, and I am trying to face some of it.
After a email conversation with a friend I began questioning, what I was afraid of. I realized I am just scared. This fear is because I know for the most part what is hidden, and I know I buried it for a reason. I am worried I am not strong enough to deal with all of it. I am afraid that when I remember one thing, everything will come flooding back.
A friend posted on his blog about breathing. This came at a time when I needed it. My project has been on hold for months. I have been afraid to start it again. I am wondering if this is something that will help me.
Here is a link to his blog. He is such an amazing person, and he has a super cute family!
Pearce On Earth
1 comment:
Wow, Kim, that sounds really heavy and terribly scary. I used to wonder if repressed memories were really a thing - like how could someone forget something so horrible. Until I entered my internship and sat in on multiple groups and saw it first hand.
To be honest, I sometimes wonder if I've got some myself. I have a TERRIBLE memory (even now) and the older I get, the more I recognize how little I remember of my own childhood. People around me remember so many things. I remember relatively few.
One woman in one of my internship groups said that she was seeing a hypnotist to bring forth the repressed memories. She was NOT doing well at the time. The therapist cautioned her that it's not good to seek it out in a forced way. He said that when a person is ready, they'll remember. Though I did wonder if she was feeling drawn to it because she WAS ready. People know themselves, I think.
Anyway, brave post. I think it's great that you're being so thoughtful and proactive with yourself.
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