As much as I love to read, sometimes I just have a hard time reading. It is like I can only read so many books, and than I lose all my drive to read.
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Right now I am having the hardest time concentrating. I feel very disconnected. Plus I am so stinking tired all the time. It doesn't help that my migraine just does not want to go away.
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Stress sucks.
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Kate is getting so big! She loves to talk on the phone, which she usually just rambles, and says "bye bye" a bunch of times. However she did sing "Twinkle Twinkle" to my brother last week.
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My Grandpa with dementia often has no idea who I am. He knows I have a little girl. He knows I have a husband, but he doesn't really know who I am. It is hard sometimes. He forgets little things all the time, and he often doesn't know what year or day it is. A lot of people keep expecting him to get better. They don't get he is never going to get better, he is only going to get worse.
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I really need a new cell phone. It has issues. There are days that it just doesn't get messages, and it won't send texts. Drives me crazy. Oh well it will just have to wait.
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I went and saw a doctor today, it wasn't my regular doctor. He wasn't my favorite. I missed my regular doctor. Too bad my regular doctor is only there two days a week, and she hasn't been there in the afternoons lately.
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I am not teaching primary anymore, and I have to say, it has been nice.
I have been working on this entry for a long time. There are
so few people that know this about me, and so few will understand, which is why
I haven’t talked about it. This is
something I have been having a hard time with for a long time. It is why there
is very little on my blog about what I believe, and my thoughts and feelings
about my church.
I am not really sure where to begin. I
guess the best place to start is when Kraig and I moved in together before we
were married (I am not getting into that, that is another very long story for
those that don’t know it). It started
when a person whose job it was to listen, didn’t. Several things happened and Kraig and I ended
up moving in together before we were married. I went into talk to my bishop at
my college ward, he basically kicked me out. It was this action that started
something in me that I have had a hard time with ever since. I walked out that
day, and as hurt as I was, and as upset as I still am by his choice. I know my
choice was right for me at the time.
Since that time I have struggled with church, when I first
went back it was hard. We didn’t try to
go back to church until after Kraig and I got married. Once we started going
again we worked on getting sealed on our 1st anniversary (which we did).
We did well for a while. We got put in
primary, which was the best birth control, Kraig and I taught the sunbeams,
there were 10 kids. It was too much for us at the time. Shortly after we were
released my dad got sick. After my dad passed away, I started asking a lot of
questions.
My whole life I spent fighting my dad so that I could go to
church. There were several times that I would get grounded for going to church.
I would also get in more trouble when I paid tithing, but I did it anyway. My
dad didn’t even want me going to the Young Women weekly activities. Several
times I had to sneak out to go.
When my dad died I started questioning my reasons for
fighting so hard. I didn’t know if it was because it is what I believed, or if
it was my way of rebelling. I started questioning all of motives for
things. Soon Kraig and I moved back to
Salt Lake (we had been living in St. George while everything above
happened). When we got put in as Sunday
School teachers, I often had a hard time going, and I was having a hard time
teaching. I couldn’t teach something that I was having a hard time doing. It was also during this time that we started
looking to buy a house. So we kind of just quit going to church. When we actually moved I had no problem just
staying home.
I felt so out of place going to church. I felt as if I
didn’t belong. Even now years after I
started going back I feel out of place. I hate trying to teach primary, because
I feel I don’t belong there. I struggle
with so many of the simple things.
There are many things that I never quit believing. I am a
person that makes decisions based on emotion. People talk about logic and about
being able to touch and see things. That isn’t me. I am such an emotional
person. I have to feel that something is right, and feel that something is
wrong. There are things that I see so
differently now than I use to.
There are so many things that I want to say, but I just don’t
know how.
In about three weeks, it will be ten years since my dad passed away. I still have no idea how I feel about it. The only thing that has ever really made me miss him, has been trying to deal with my grandpa that has dementia. I have often wondered how things would be if he had never gotten sick. I also wondered how things would be if he had survived the cancer. I wish that putting everything that is bottled up into words was possible, but it isn't. My dad was not my favorite person, he was not someone that I could talk to, and most of the time he didn't understand who I was. However because of what he was, I became who I am, for good or bad.
(My dad's favorite past-time)
(I am not sure when this picture was taken, I don't know if it was after he got sick, or not)
Kate had her birthday last weekend, and we celebrated all weekend! Saturday we met all of Kate's cousins at Wheeler Farm. She had a blast! She loved animals, and she loved playing with her cousins!
Once she was done sitting in her stroller, she wanted to push it!
She found a horse her size, she thought that was funny.
She found the big horses, she didn't want to leave them!
Hanging out with all the cousins as they came!
One of her cousins playing on the tractor
Playing on the playground & eating cookies!
Sorry this one is blurring, but it was too funny not to put up.
On Sunday first thing we opened birthday presents, mom couldn't wait anymore!!
Than we sluffed church (bad I know), and went to a park for a picnic, it was such a beautiful day!
Kate trying to hide from the camera she didn't want her picture taken.
We than went to Grandpa & Grandma Oaks for dinner. She got to open a couple more presents, and had yummy ice cream & cupcakes!
I have been running for about a month now. I haven't lost any weight at all. Maybe I need to go talk to my doctor. I have achy sore muscles, I am tired and warn out. I haven't lost anything, I haven't lost weight, I haven't lost inches. What is the point of all of this if nothing is changing? I feel very beaten down, right now I just want to quit.
Today I was thinking that I wish there was a job that paid people to read books. When I say read books, I don't mean edit them. It would be so nice to read books all the time and get paid for it.
I am not enough of a critic to do real book reviews, so that's out. Oh well, it was just a nice thought.
This week was the third week that I went running & exercising. I did it, Saturday was the only day I didn't do anything. I got too hot and ended up with a migraine. However I am not going to let this one day bother me, or upset me. I am get going to pick up on Monday and keep going.
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Why oh why does it have to be so hot already? Why couldn't the temperature stay in the 60's until June? I didn't mind last year's mild summer. Last summer it never hit 100. I was fine with that!
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My migraine still hasn't gone away. Plus it is still hot...
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I love goodreads.com, my to read list is now has more than 520 books!!
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I weighted myself for the first time in months this week, I thought that I lost weight, or at least stayed close to the weight was last time. Nope, I gained weighted. Grrr
I am going to have to measure myself, and keep track if I am at least losing inches.
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I recently started trying to keep track of what I am eating again. I need to start eating more fruits and veggies. I don't eat enough. I am not sure I can get Kraig to eat more veggies though...
Kate I won't have a problem with, she seems to like most veggies.
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My baby is going to be two in exactly one week!!! I can't believe it! Time flies, I hate it. I wish time would slow down more. I am looking forward to taking her to see all the animals!
For those that can't come we will miss you!
