A New Year

A few years ago Stacy, my cousin (in-law) decided not to do New Years Resolutions. Now she does a phrase to live by, it becomes her theme for the year. Well I am totally stealing her first phrase to live by.

Live Authentically.


There have been a lot of changes in my life over the last year. Next year, I am going to follow my heart more. I am going to step outside of my comfort zone. I am going to try and find what I am good at. I want to find what is in my soul to do. Very similar to the Indian philosophy of dharma. 


So often I feel a pull towards something. I am always afraid to leave where I am. I always second guess myself. I always worry that if I go where I think I should I will fall flat. I recently found a quote that I love by Stephen Cope "We cannot be anyone we want to be. We can only authentically be who we are.".
In all my reading of dharma I am also reminded of a wonderful quote by Chef Seattle "Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect.".


We can only be ourselves. We can only do what we ourselves can do. What we do, will and does affect others. If you aren't doing what is in your soul, you affect others. 


There are so many things I want to learn. There is so much to live for. I am tired of trying to work, and save to play someday. I want to play now. I want to live now. I want to love getting up in the morning. I want to love my job and my work. I don't want to be mediocre at something I can do, I want to be great at something I love. 


I love learning. I have a passion that when I hear about something new, I want to learn as much as I can about it. I usually jump in with both feet, and hope I don't go in over my head (which I usually do). 


I am not here to live someone else's life, I am not here to live someone else's dream. I am here to live my life. I have to live my life according to the dictates of my own conscience. I can't follow something that feels wrong to me. I can't make myself be someone or something I am not. I can only be authentically me, and that is the person I tend to be. It may take me longer than a year, it may take the rest of my life. However there are things in my life that have to change. Change is scary, but it is necessary right now for me.


I am not scared of finding out that I need to go in a completely different direction, I am not scared to find out that what I need to do is something seemingly small. I am not scared to find out, that my direction is different than everyone else thinks it should be. I am not going to be afraid to stand up for myself, and my dreams any more. Everyone is different, everyone's path is different. Nobody has the right to judge anyone else. Nobody had the right to say if the way someone else is going is wrong. Only the person who life it is can say that.

I have kept so many things bottled up for decades. I rarely let myself feel things. I would follow people blindly. I would do what others told me I should do. I cannot do that any longer. I cannot depend on others. I need to stand up on my own, even if it means I am the only one on my path.

Missing

I woke up this morning missing a friend that I have not seen in over a decade. They are not on any social media that I can find.
During high school they were one of the few people I trusted. I loved them completely, as they were. I may not have always done a good job of showing it. I know they have probably changed, and I know that the person I miss is the 17 year old that I last knew. However I still love them. I still want them to be happy. I wish I knew where to find them, just to find out how they are doing, and make sure they are all right.

Thoughts

We recently had our house broken into. This is the second time in a four week period. I do not feel safe in my own house. I don't want to leave my house either. I know the police are doing what they can, and I know that the chances of getting back the one thing I want is very slim. I want my laptop back that has pictures and videos of my daughter. I also have writing on my laptop that I will never be able recreate. I feel so hurt and violated. I can not put into words how much this has affected me. I can not comprehend why someone would break into somebody else's house and take their things.

There has been so much violence in the news lately. People want a magic fix. There isn't one. The only real fix is for everyone to start respecting and loving everyone. Until then bad things will continue to happen.

Here is a picture of the person that broke into our house. Kraig set up a video camera in the living room, so this was taken in our house.

Random Thoughts

I love this picture of Kate, it is one of my absolute favorite pictures of her. It was taken by my very talented SIL at a wedding reception she was hired to photograph.

 A lot of times I feel like I have so much to say. I have so much that I feel that I want to express, but I have such a hard time expressing my feelings. I often find myself not being able to put my feelings into words. Simply because there aren't any words that really describe my feelings correctly. Lately I feel like I have a lot to say, I just can't seem to find a way to do it.

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 I started working on a project. I recently decided to start all over, and do it differently. So what I was hopping to have done before Christmas, probably won't be done until next month. Hopefully it will be better though.

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 We took Kate to the Festival of Trees today. I decided that instead of carrying all our stuff I took our little stroller. Kate kept wanting to push it, bad idea. There were so many people, and when we wouldn't let her push it she would get mad. However she loved all the Christmas trees. She also loved to see "Christmas Clause".

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 I am glad that Kate doesn't get night terrors often, but when she I always feel bad. She will start screaming in her sleep, she will also sit up, and have her eyes open, yet she is completely asleep.

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 Kate was so grumpy today. Up until we put her in her crib for her nap, than all of a sudden she is super happy, and played in her crib for two hours before she finally fell asleep.

New things and A New Path

I am not the same person I was a year ago. With things constantly changing in my life, it is to be expected.

With a bunch of stuff happening all at the same time, I have started having major issues overnight. Due to the amount of stress and anxiety that I have been having, I woke up one morning unable to focus, and I was having a hard time remembering anything. I would forget a thought mid thought, and I would have no memory of what I had been thinking. I went to see my doctor, and after having several tests done, and talking she figured out that I was having serotonin problems. Since then my doctor  and I have been working to get me on the right medication that will help.

Also with all my stress, my migraines have started to become more frequent, and more intense. I am having a really hard time with them. So often the pain is so bad I want to cry. I believe some of my issue is because I simply cannot relax. I have so many things going on, and so many things that I need to get done, that I have a very hard time relaxing. I have also had a hard time really laughing. I feel  like I have so much going on constantly, and I feel like there are so many things keep piling up that I find very little enjoyment in a lot of things.

I am trying to drop the things that I don’t have to do that are causing so of my stress. So one thing I am doing is taking a break from church. Trying to go to church causes me so much stress that I swear one of these days I am going to snap. There are a lot of reasons behind this decision that I am not going to get into here, it is not the place or the time.

As for my migraines there are a few completely different things I am going to try, and all of this is very new to me.  One thing I will be doing that isn’t really different, but still new to me, I haven’t ever done it on my own, but I had done a little when I was in elementary , and that is meditation.  Meditation can be good at calming and relaxing a person, as well as help build positive energy.

Another thing I am going to try is crystals. This is totally new for me. One of the ladies I work with does this, and she has had a lot success with them. I am a little skeptical, but I figure it is worth trying, it can’t possibly hurt. People have been using them for centuries, maybe there is something to it.

The other big thing that I am going to try, I am going to talk to a spiritual healer. I am really skeptical of this, but I am to a place that I have no answers and I don’t know what to do.  I am hoping that maybe they will be able to tell me what is going on, and what I will need to do to need to do to get my migraines under control.

Another thing I have looked at, but feel very in over my head, is Astrology. I recently got my Astrology profile done, and I was stunned at how accurate some of it was.

I am really hoping that this will at least get me in the right direction I need to be in. I am tired of feeling like crap, I am tired of being tired, I want to be able to enjoy life.

Random Thoughts

My brother's birthday was a couple of weeks ago, and mine is coming up. Because of that I started thinking about my dad and his love of birthdays. He loved to celebrate birthday's. I think his birthday was his favorite, my mom's followed closely behind. As far as I can remember he never forgot any of our birthday's. He thought all birthday's were important, and it didn't matter if you were an adult or a child, he loved to celebrate. We didn't have parties really, just cake and ice cream with the family.

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I am so tired of my migraines. They have been happening more frequently lately. I believe due to my stress. Every time I think I get things figured out, something else pops up. I wish I could just magically make things better. My doctor has recommended a few things, but unfortunately some of that is too expensive for me to really do. I hate money.

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I can't believe how fast this year has flown by. I hate that time seems to be speeding up the older I get. I remember when I was in elementary, time seemed to go by so slow. Now it seems like it never slows down and is constantly flying by. It seems so strange to me that Christmas in just over two months.

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This year I want to do something for my birthday. I haven't decided what yet. It will just be a very small group of people. I am tired of acting like my birthday doesn't exist. I want to do something to acknowledge my birthday, and celebrate my life. Now to just figure out what I want to do. I keep going back and forth on dinner out, or a game night with pizza and snacks.

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 Kate is almost two and a half. She is so funny. She loves to sing (usually at the top of her lungs), and while she sings she has to twirl (usually until she is dizzy). She has also started to have an imagination. She is constantly trying to change her baby's poopy diapers, or rock her baby. She is always going. Her toy's are spread across our living room, if I try to pick it back up, in less than ten minutes, it is back the way is was before I picked it up. She is startled by noises and is always asking "What's that" when she hears a loud noise. She is tall. She is in 3T clothes because 2T clothes are too short for her. However 3T clothes are a little big around. It is a good thing most pants have adjustable elastic waists.

Babies

There have been so many people that keep asking (or pushing) when Kraig and I are going to have another baby. Right now I am going to say we are done. Here is why.

I have no patients anymore. I lost it all within the first 6 weeks of Kate being born. I think the worse day was  only two weeks after she was born, and she cried for half of the day. I was totally frazzled, and I had no idea what to do. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know what I needed. Those first 6 weeks were the hardest of my life.
Mothering did not come naturally to me. During the first 48 hours of Kate's life, I kept thinking that it wasn't real. The second night at the hospital, instead of listening to my very smart SIL (who has four kids), I kept Kate in my room with me. I don't think I slept very much if at all that night. Kate started crying, and it took forever for me to calm her down. At one point during the night I should have sent her to the nursery, but I didn't.
It took me until Kate was about 18 months to 2 years before I was any good at nurturing. I tried, but I really wasn't very good at it before she was 18 months. Now at least I can get her to tell me what is wrong, or what she wants. Sometimes it requires waiting until she has calmed down.
I know everyone keeps saying that the next one will be different. Well different doesn't mean better, it doesn't mean easier. I can not handle Kate some days, throw another baby in the mix, and I may end up going off the deep end.
I love Kate, but there were times when she was first born that I would wish she would disappear. I didn't want to hurt her, and I didn't want anything bad to happen to her. I just didn't want her around. I couldn't handle her. Now things are a lot better, and I am glad to have her.
There have also been people that tell me that they will play together. That may be true down the line, but not in the first two years of the new babies life. They don't really play until they reach two, and right now Kate would rather play by herself than with other kids. So that leaves Kraig and me to try and entertain two little kids at the same time. Again I would probably end up going off the deep end.
Mentally I can only handle one child right now. So that is all that I am going to have right now. If I don't take care of myself mentally and physically than I would end up not being able to take care of anybody. I have to do what is best for me and my little family.