An Explanation

The last several weeks have been kind of rough for me. Partly due to things that have been happening, and partly due to things going on in my head (don't worry, I am not going to explain what is going on in my head). With several of the things that have been happening, I have decided there was one major change I had to make.

I have decided that I don't need to be reachable 24/7. If someone can't get a hold of me, oh well. I have the right to be away from my phone, or out of cell range. I also have the right to not answer it if I don't want, or if I am busy doing something else. I hate talking on the phone. I prefer text and email. Talking on the phone causes anxiety for me. I know there are several people out there that don't understand this, and that's fine they don't need to understand, all they need to know is that if I don't want to answer my phone I am not going to. I have also started turning my cell phone off at night again. If something happens in the middle of the night, I will do much better at handling whatever it is in the morning after some sleep. Also if you call my phone, and I don't answer, don't expect me to call you back if you don't leave a voice mail. I assume that if it wasn't important enough for you to leave me a message, then I don't need to call you back.

The Persuasion Movies

This is my review of two of the Persuasion movies based on the Jane Austen novel. Really quick I will mention the 1971 version, all I can say for that version is it seems dry to me. I have a hard time with it.

As for the two movies I am going to review, I am going to do a side by side comparison of the two. I love both movies for very different reasons. The 1995 version follows the book a little better than the 2008 version, but they both have very good things about them. 

First the characters.

Anne is played by Amanda Root (1995) and Sally Hawkins (2008). Amanda Root does a good job at playing Anne, in a lot of ways she fits the character description from the book. She seems a little old for the character, but she fits well with Ciaran Hinds who plays Wentworth (more on him later). Sally Hawkins, I find myself loving her and hating her as Anne. I think she is kind of pretty, and she plays Anne well, but there is just something about her that doesn't sit well with me, and I can't really say what. I don't really have a favorite between these two. I really like them both, but they both have things about them that seem off.

Mary is played by Sophie Thompson (1995) and Amanda Hale (2008).  I like Sophie Thompson as Mary, she does a very great job. She plays the prideful, snobby sister very well. It is a little over played in some places, but it isn't bad.  I think Amanda is pretty, and she does an alright job, but Mary in this version comes off more petty, and ridiculous, so she comes off as fake, and almost dumb.

Lady Russell is played by Susan Fleetwood (1995). In this version Lady Russell seems to be unbending and very strict. She does a good job at playing her, and she comes off as very elegant. In the 2008 version Lady Russell is played by Alice Krige. In this version Lady Russell seems more apologetic but still seems to want to push Anne in the direction she thinks is best without really listening to what Anne wants. I like both of them as Lady Russell, they both even look a little alike, but I think my favorite is Susan Fleetwood.

The Musgrove sisters: In the 1995 version Emma Roberts plays Louisa, and Victoria Hamilton plays Henrietta. In this version the two sisters seem to be more grounded, and not so silly. In the 2008 version Jennifer Higham plays Louisa, and Rosamund Stephen plays Henrietta. In this one they seem almost like silly school girls, they don't appear as often as they do in the other version. I like Emma & Victoria better as the sisters, they seem more like real sisters.

Charles Musgrove is played by Simon Russell Beale (1995), and Sam Hazeldine (2008). I love Simon as Charles. He seems to fit the part very well, and his character seems grounded more. He also seems to fit very well with Sophie Thompson. I find Sam's character to be flighty and also ridiculous. He does alright, but I think I just prefer Simon Russell Beale's portrayal of Charles better.

Sir Walter Elliot is played by Corin Redgrave (1995), and Anthony Head (2008). Even though you aren't suppose to really like Sir Walter, I find myself not liking Anthony Head as Sir Walter at all. I find Corin Redgrave does a much better job at being vain and facetious. Anthony Head does a great job of being arrogant and prideful, but it seems wrong. 

Elizabeth Elliot is played by Phoebe Nicholls (1995), and Julia Davis (2008). I like Phoebe Nicholls as Elizabeth much better. She is very pretty. She also seems more elegant and refined, maybe a little younger than Elizabeth is suppose to be, but I like her better than I like Julia Davis. Julia's Elizabeth seems a little too old, and not refined enough.

Admiral Croft is played by John Woodvine (1995) and Peter Wright (2008). This one I like both portrayals, but I think John Woodvine seems to fit better as the Admiral. He seems more like an Admiral in the Navy, than Peter Wright did.

Mrs. Croft is played by Fiona Shaw (1995) and Marion Bailey (2008). I love Fiona Shaw as Mrs. Croft. I think she does a great job, and the natural chemistry between her and John Woodvine makes her character seem more real. Marion does a good job as well, but it just seems off to me. I promise it is not because I love Harry Potter either. I actually hate Fiona Shaw's character in Harry Potter.

Quick note on Captain Harville , I like both actors that play him. However I think Joseph Mawle's (2008) character seems to know Captain Wentworth's history better. They seem in some ways a lot closer friends. Even though in the 1995 version you can't mistake the fondness that Captain Wentworth as for Captain Harville.

 Now for Captain Wentworth. Captain Wentworth is played by Ciaran Hinds (1995) and Rupert Penry-Jones. This one is hard. I love Ciaran Hinds as Captain Wentworth, but I also love Rupert. Ciaran Hinds seems to fit with a Navy Captain more. Rupert Penry-Jones has the contempt and resentfulness down well. Rupert Penry-Jones is super cute too. I love them both as Captain Wentworth, and I think they both do a great job. I think that both men do great portrayals of the Captain, and you can see why Anne is still in love with him.

There are a few scenes that I love out of both movies.

There is a scene in between Rupert Penry-Jones and Sally Hawkins. Anne is playing the piano, and Captain Wentworth stands quietly and watches her. I wish that the longer he stood and watched, the look on his face would change to a more upset look instead of complete contempt. He is supposed to still love her, and in this scene it just make is look like he is completely angry with her. Which he is angry, but I still kind of wish they could have softened the look a little.

There is a scene right after Louisa's accident in Lyme. I keep going back and forth on this. I like the scene in both movies, but in the 2008 version I think that Captain Wentworth and Anne should say something on the ride to the Musgroves. They just stare at each other. 

There is the scene where Anne and Captain Wentworth run into each other for the first time in Bath. I love the scene between Rupert and Sally. The scene between Ciaran and Amanda I also love, but it also bothers me a little because of Mr. Elliot.

There is a scene before the concert, and in the 1995 movie, I love it. It is the first time Captain Wentworth actually talks to Anne, and tells her any of his feelings.

Than the scene during the concert (in both movies), where Captain Wentworth gets mad at walks out. I hate it, it makes me sad.

In both movies there is a scene where Captain Wentworth has a "commission" from the Admiral. I like the scene in the 2008 movie better. In the 1995 version Anne is already very agitated, and is not able to tell Captain Wentworth anything, especially since Lady Russell walks in. In the 2008 movie, Anne is also agitated a little bit, but more from the thought of talking to Captain Wentworth more than anything else, so in this one she is able to tell him that the Admiral was misinformed and that the information is not true. 

Which brings me to the letter scenes. The letter scene for the 1995 movie follows the book very well, and I love it!! The letter scene for the 2008 movie kind of drives me crazy. Anne is trying to chase down Captain Wentworth but everyone keeps getting in her way or stops her. It almost makes me dizzy to watch her running trying to catch him.

Now once they catch up with Captain Wentworth, in both movies the kiss seems to take forever for them to actually kiss, why?? After eight and a half years, I don't think it would take that long for two people to kiss each other. 

However I adore the ending of the 2008 movie,which doesn't follow the book. The only thing about it that bugs me, is her giggle, I think it is a little high pitched for my taste. However the rest of it, I love. It seems to fit. I also love that they end up dancing on the lawn.

Just A Random Fact About Me

I am a passionate person. I feel things deeply. Whether it is the Scorpio in me, or just simply my nature, I don't know.

What this means is, when I am happy I am very happy. When I am sad, I am miserable. When I am angry, I can be extremely angry. It is why I can miss a person that I saw only a few hours ago. It is why I can become so attached to people, or stories, or even characters. It also means that when I mess up, and I owe someone an apology it eats at me until I can give it.

Which brings me to the reason for this post. A little more than 17 years ago, I accidentally hurt someone. In the process really hurting myself. I owe this person a very big apology. Nothing major happened. I didn't truly listen to this person, or my gut feeling, the last time I saw them. I can't seem to find him online, and it is starting to drive me crazy. I hate that I hurt this person. He may not even remember it, but it doesn't matter, because I do.

So to Mike K. I am sorry for how things went the last time I saw you in Cottonwood Mall, and I owe you an apology in person, I truly hope one day I can give it to you.

My top five rankings of the many Mr. Rochesters from Jane Eyre

Here is my top five rankings of Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre. There are at least three other movies, probably more, but these are the five that I liked the most. Even though I have heard that Orson Wells does well too.

#5 Ciaran Hinds - In this version of Jane Eyre the script does not follow the book, almost at all. It is very cheesy, and I laughed at it more than it was supposed to. Ciaran is one of the few that closely resembles the character in the book, and he is a great actor, but his mustache looked so odd on him. I found myself wondering if it was real, often. The emotions in this version are a little dry, but they aren't completely lacking. On a side note, Ciaran Hinds is great as Capt. Wentworth in Persuasion.

#4 William Hurt - William looks nothing like the book description, but he does a great job. I love the scene right after the fire scene in this one. This version is better at following the book, but it is hard to fit a 500 page book into a two hour movie. There is a lot of emotion in this version, and it helps to explain a few things better.

#3 Timothy Dalton - Timothy is another that resembles the character in the book. He does such a great job of being "changeful & moody". This version is an eleven episode made for TV mini series by BBC, so this version follows the book a lot closer than the regular movies.

#2 Michael Fassbender - At first I didn't like him as much as I liked Timothy Dalton, however he has grown on me. I love how well he plays the moody part. I love the emotion in this version. Mia Wasikowska does great at playing the passionate Jane.

#1 Toby Stephens - I just recently watched this version. I feel in love with it. It is another BBC mini series, and the total run time is about 4 hours.It follows the book fairly well, but they do change some of the dialog, but it seems natural.Toby Stephens does such a great job at playing Mr. Rochester, he comes off as passionate, and real. I love how almost tangible the chemistry between Mr. Rochester and Jane is. Ruth Wilson also does a great job at playing Jane in this. This is my favorite version of the story, as well as my favorite Mr. Rochester. I also adore the ending of this, which funny enough does not follow the book completely, but it is by far the best ending.

For Reasons I Can't Explain

A Little Catching Up

I did the Color Me Rad Run on Saturday, I walked the whole thing, but I did it. It was fun. It was also a much needed distraction from all the craziness that has been going on. I swear that every time I get one thing figured out something else happens.
About a year ago, I hit my stress wall, literally. One day I couldn't think. I couldn't concentrate. I was having a super hard time remembering things, I would be doing something and completely forget what I was doing, it became a black hole. Plus all I wanted to do was sleep and if I sat still long enough I would nod off.
At the time I didn't know what was wrong, I went to the doctor thinking I was just dehydrated. The doctor in the urgent care ran several tests, and couldn't figure out what was wrong. They had me make an appointment to see my regular doctor a few days later. When I went in, and my doctor had looked over all the test that were run (the urgent care and my doctors office are all part of the same clinic, it is fabulous!). She asked me several questions, which included a couple of questions about my current stress level, when she heard some of what was going on she gave me a anxiety/depression test. My anxiety and depression were so high that she was a little worried. She put me on a low dose of a medication that would help with both the anxiety and the depression, by just taking the edge off of things. I had to go in a few times to kind of tweak the medication to get it to work better for me.
Unfortunately I am not sure it is still quite right, but my doctor had to quit practicing due to her own health issues. Plus around the time my doctor quit, my insurance company tried to say that my issues were a pre-existing condition. I hate insurance, it causes so much stress for me! The reason all this started was because I had a whole bunch of things dropped on me. I also had so much going on, and I was trying to do too much. I didn't know how to do everything, nobody was there to teach me, and I was expected to know all the answers. A year later, and I still don't know all the answers, but I am managing. I also quit doing so much, I started putting myself first. If I can't do it, I won't. If I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of anyone else. I will say no when people ask me to do somethings. If I feel it is not going to help me, or help my family, I won't do it. If I feel it will take time away from my family, I won't do it. I don't feel guilty about it either.

I found a counselor, that my insurance covered, and started seeing her. Now, just as things seem to be settling in, things have started to go crazy again. One day one of the ladies I work with came in and asked me why she got a notice saying our insurance was cancelled. I had to email our CEO to find out what was going on, turns out they decided to change insurance companies, but hadn't told anyone that it was being done. The really sad thing is, I am the one that has to enter the bills, and mail out the checks...So after getting new insurance that wasn't very good, I found out my new insurance no longer covered my counselor, and Kate broke her arm, again. The good news was thankfully my counselor was willing to work with me on payment, and I am still going, just not as often as I would have liked to be going.
Shortly after that my grandpa Patrick was put into the hospital due to issues from his dementia. He is to the point he no longer knows what year it is, he started to forget little things like eating and showering. He spent about four or five weeks in the hospital. He was than taken to a nursing home, because he is no longer able to live at home alone. He rarely remembers who any one is, and often confuses people with people from his past. Just as I think things with this are starting to work out, the nursing home is saying they can't care for him, that he needs one on one help.
 Plus in the middle of all of that my job has cut my pay, but $3.00 an hour. Last week, due to the new insurance being so crappy, not as many people signed up as they thought would and the original quote was based off of, my work cancelled our insurance. We were given two weeks notice that we will no longer be insured, and to rub it in, we still have to have it taken out of our checks until the beginning of next month, because they were taking the money out late basically.

I have been making a few changes, I am no longer allowing people to walk over me. I am standing up for myself more often. I am weeding out the people and things in my life that cause stress that I don't need, I won't be able to get rid of all stress, but I don't have to live with constant stress. I am not pushing myself past my limits anymore. I am here to live for me, I don't need to prove anything to anyone else. I am not going to be something I am not, just because someone thinks I need to be something, doesn't mean that is me. I am slowly learning to let things go. I don't need to keep holding onto things that no longer serve to lift me. Nobody else has the right to tell me who I am, or what I am, or what I will be. Years ago I quit dreaming, and now I am working on finding my new dream.
"One day I decided that I was beautiful, and so I carried out my life as if I was a beautiful girl. It doesn’t have anything to do with how the world perceives you. What matters is what you see.” ~Gabourey Sidibe

Prayers, Good Vibes, & Good Thoughts...Please

This morning, a friend from high school lost his daughter. She has been fighting leukemia for almost 4 years. She was such a happy little girl, and had a beautiful outlook on life. She will be missed by everyone that knew her, and has been following her story.